Seeking Guidance

[Christopher]

Hello, all.

This is my first post and I would like to introduce myself. I have read these boards often and have much respect for many of you. My spiritual journey has encountered a bleak shroud of dispair and I request insights. First a little background.

I am not of any religion. I discovered my spirit only recently and through drumming. For a year, many personal insights came to me. I experienced vitalism for the first time in my life. I became mindful, focused and in harmony. I started a consistent and successful breathing and meditation routine. I developed a new sense for sublte beauty and I could conect with others in a loving way.

Eventually, pride overtook me. Accustomed to having a strong spirit-body connection, I ignored my sense of caution and did some wreckless things. The turning point occured during my college exams. One night I stayed up and gorged to the extreme on nicotine and coffee. My car broke down and I was stranded far from home in a nerve-butchered and sleep-deprived state.

As is natural, my body and mind were devistated by this event. I lost all coordination I'd been used to and my mind was fried. But what's worse than this event is how I responded. I'd been accustomed to my envigorating routine of breathing/stretching/drumming. The comedown from this event took away all the skill I had. Instead of being patient, I craved. I craved the rush I got from drumming. I craved the release I got from stretching. I craved the affection I once had from my peers as a joyful person. I didn't want to accept that I would have to "re-build" in a sense and so I tried to continue my life as though nothing had happened. I found myself forcing stretches, forcing to meditate and so forth. This obviously had an adverse effect, but I persisted in brutally forcing myself nevertheless. With a chip on my shoulder I fell further, turining myself lazy, bitter and self-indulgent. I would make half-hearted attempts to adopt more discipline, but would hide in a cave everytime I was unsucessful. Courage and will-power were traits I never had. I chose not to seek them during this time.

Now I find my self in a bleak state. My body aches when I am not sitting. My mind is frazzled in a tornado of chaos. I cannot function! I've finally accepted that I will indeed have to start over, but there is no longer the inner guidance.

[Awaiting_the_fifth]

Hello Christopher,

Welcome to CR, I hope you'll stay a while.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I think I know the feeling you are describing, I used to spend my nights in a similar way during my Uni exams. I drank 14 litres of Red Bull one night and then dissappeared to the labs, my flat mates found all the bottles and thought I might have OD'd on caffeine. They were worried sick. I know how the stress hits you so hard sometimes that you cant move without worrying about the consequences. The feeling will pass eventually. We all have dark times, but we also all have bright times.

It is good that you practice meditation and breathing exercises, this will help with your problems.

Sometimes, when my life all seems to be in chaos, the idea of meditation just seems to make me angry, it seems so pointless. I make myself sit down to it, but I find I cannot calm my mind and I have very poor meditations. Sometimes I stop meditating altogether for weeks at a time. Eventually I find that the time is right and I sit down to meditate. I find that I can meditate just as deeply as I ever could and I am happy and peacefull.

I hope you feel better soon.

Peace.