Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

[BluejayWay]

Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are
still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. In
addition, I have been using bathrooms for years --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message
on our front door... Rules for Non- Pet Owners Who
Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
"fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Please remember - Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are
easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if
they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[alexa]

Oh, I like pets ! Funny joke, Jay. Thanks.

[aquaris]

Originally Posted by alexa

Oh, I like pets ! Funny joke, Jay. Thanks.

.....I would have prefered the titile.....now where are My Maps and Notes

I had to post for Miss Alexa.....!!! at CR....

anyway....some more...

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!


Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the
hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

CharlotteWhitton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

-Catherine-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they
called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want
anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Great Quotes by Great Ladies!


Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the
hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being,
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

CharlotteWhitton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me
at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a
horrible warning.

-Catherine-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they
called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man--if you want
anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

[alexa]

Originally Posted by aquaris

.....I would have prefered the titile.....now where are My Maps and Notes

I had to post for Miss Alexa.....!!! at CR....

anyway....some more...

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Sorry, aquaris. I didn't forget you, but I was to tired last night to read all the jokes. I loved that one with man's lies.

Where did you get all these quotes ? They are interesting.

[aquaris]

...... that title was for the cute cat in the picture.......she definately looked tired......LOL.

my collections are scattered all over the net in various forums.......

Beside just google " aquaris " and I am sure..... My name should come within the top 10 queries..... ( the last time it was third )....


By the way thanks for appreciating....

[alexa]

I did a search on the net and lookie what I found. Is this yours ?

~DECARATION~....by Aquaris

CategoryPoetry) Created6/25/2001 8:09:00 AM) Viewed (143 times)

The day you looked right through me
and justified your stance
Casting off my freat gift
Without a second glance
Was the day I felt my folly
Come and slap me in the face
How can you be so shallow
And cause me such disgrace

Often growth spurts through hazards
And trials we pass or fail
You tried to leave me bleeding
I know I'm not that frail
The greatest loss is yours now
Refusing all I gave
Don't expect to continue
I'm also not that brave.

Aquaris



Sorry, my cat picture has no name. It's only a funny one.

[alexa]

Oups. The ink is white in here. O.K. I'll type it :

The day you looked right through me
and justified your stance
Casting off my freat gift
Without a second glance
Was the day I felt my folly
Come and slap me in the face
How can you be so shallow
And cause me such disgrace

Often growth spurts through hazards
And trials to leave me bleeding
I know I'm not that frail
The greatest loss is yours now
Refusing all I gave
Don't expect to continue
I'm also not that brave.

Aquaris

[aquaris]

its pretty good.....But not mine......

some of my poetry is at ....

www.triedit.com then their poetry link.....
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/alone.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/dreamsillusions.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/burning.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/monster.html
http://members.rogers.com/triedit/coldfurnace.html

pretty amatuerish .......

some title if i remember are alone, something....and a couple of others...

.....and I thought it will take you to my question answer sites like www.allexperts.com or www.pointask.com or www.answerway.com or even www.expert-exchange.com though I am not that active these days.....

[alexa]

This means you have a double on the net with the same signature. And yes, I got to the other sites, too.

[aquaris]

boy mommy why is this lady so fat?
mommy she is not fat dear she is pregnat with her baby
boy ? pregnant ? whats that?
mommy she will have a baby soon but now its in her stomach until its ready to come out
boy *silence* mommy you love me ?
mommy yes dear i love you very much*smile*
boy mommy does that lady loves her baby?
mommy of course she does she really loves her baby...
boy *frown* mommy that lady loves her baby how come she ate him?

[alexa]

My Boss

When I take a long time...
- I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time
- he is thorough.
When I don't do it...
- I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it
- he is too busy.
When I do something without being told...
- I am over-stepping my boundaries
When my boss does the same thing
- that is initiative.
When I take a stand...
- I am stubborn
When my boss does it
- he is being firm.When I overlook a rule of etiquette...
- I am rude
When my boss slips a few rules
- he is being original.
When I please my boss...
- I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss
- he is co-operating.
When I get ahead...
- I am lucky
When my boss gets ahead
- that's hard work.

[BluejayWay]

My Boss

LOL, Alexa, does that sound familiar!
This sounds all too familiar, too:


HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
* Wine her
* Dine her
* Call her
* Hug her
* Support her
* Hold her
* Surprise her
* Compliment her
* Smile at her
* Listen to her
* Laugh with her
* Cry with her
* Romance her
* Encourage her
* Believe in her
* Pray with her
* Pray for her
* Cuddle with her
* Shop with her
* Give her jewelry
* Buy her flowers
* Hold her hand
* Write love letters to her
* Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO PLEASE A MAN

* Show up naked...Bring food

[alexa]

I agree with all of them, Jay.

[aquaris]

jay I agree 100% especially the how to Please a Man part....

[aquaris]

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman
gives birth to a kid.

A Student stands up- Sir we must find & stop her!.