Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

Originally posted by Alexa
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

That soon? When I read the joke, I thought the guy was going to have sex again about the same time that bb would willingly pass up chips (what we in the US call fries) for chitlins.

For those who are curious, chitlins are pig small intestines, considered a delicacy amoung some of the Southern, Cajun and African-American population of the US.

Changing the subject here (much to everybody's delight), I have to tell you about a phone call I got Monday (sorry, this is somewhat political in nature, but rather humerous.)

As everybody knows, this year is a Presidential Election year here in the US and many people have gotten rather sick and tired of "Vote for (insert name of candidate)." I was waiting for a rather important telephone call, but after about six calls from "This is (insert name) PAC [short for Political Action Committee] and this is why we feel you should vote for Bush/Kerry/Nader." The next phone call from a PAC that I answered went roughly this way:

"Hello. I am representing the Young Democrats at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Are you registered to vote?"

"Yes I am. I registered back when Reagan was in office, his first term. Excuse me, but I'm waiting for an important call."

"I won't take up much of your time. If the election were held tomorrow, would you vote for Bush, Kerry or Nader?"

"None of the above. I'm a registered Communist," then I hung up the phone.

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu. I mean, why vote for the lesser of two evils? (quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a car at school.)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[alexa]

Originally Posted by Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

That soon? When I read the joke, I thought the guy was going to have sex again about the same time that bb would willingly pass up chips (what we in the US call fries) for chitlins.

Yeap.You are right. Only 4 years left. Only for this declaration "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man", he should receive a life sentence punishment.

"None of the above. I'm a registered Communist," then I hung up the phone.

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu. I mean, why vote for the lesser of two evils? (quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a car at school.)

I received this week at work about the voting machine in Florida. I'm so sorry, but the type file cannot be unloaded here. Maybe you have seen it, so I'll try to say why it was so funny and why everybody who received the e-mail after began to laugh louder. The cubicules in the office are not so big and private as we wish for.

So there is this guy who wants to use the voting machine. He has two choices : Bush and Kerry. After a moment of hesitation, he chooses to vote for Kerry. But the machine doesn't want to accept the answer. In exchange of a confirmation he got a question ? "Are you sure ? Yes or no ?" "Yes, I'm sure ! Another question follows, so the guy answers again that he's sure. Then he try to cheat that stupid machine and vote for Kerry. He chases the name on the screen and finally he got thanks for voting Bush. And the guy yell : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !

[aquaris]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse
owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC that stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and
Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.
There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the ex-pressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell that rings every time

a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards, The Schoolmaster.

[aquaris]

women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the
very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over
night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them
confirm that.

men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the
wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at
their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still
with them.

[alexa]

!

The Origin Of Women

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to takecare of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed".

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg." To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

[aquaris]

Just off the cuff.....some thoughts about it ...
Women is made from the rib of a Man...
A rib is a curved Bone.....If you try to straighten it up it will break....
Same is the case with women...
Now if you keep it as it is.... it will not only ... enhance your good looks,and symetry to your body ...but will also provide protection , especially to your heart......
Same is the case with women...

[I, Brian]

Originally Posted by Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

The next phone call was from a member of the Young Republicans. I told her that I'm voting for Cthulhu.

LOL!!!

Vote Cthulhu!

[KnightoftheRose]

Vote Cthulhu!

Y'know, I would, but I just don't like his running mate, Nyarlothotep...I mean, sure, he's a glittering, multi-colored mass stretched out across the Cosmos - but I feel he just doesn't have substance...

[alexa]

Hi Brian,

Hi KnightoftheRose,

WARNING ! You are presently in the Departement Joke.

Both of you owe me a joke and it has to be a good one. So, please scrach your memory and give me something to laugh about !

Your host,

Alexa

[aquaris]

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the
secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.


Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.


So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:


K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)


Now, do a few simple substitutions:


Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)


Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:


K = W/M (5).


Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:


Knowledge equals Work over Money.


What this MEANS is that:


1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.


Solving for Money, we get:


M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.


From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work
done.


What THIS MEANS is:


The More you Make, the Less you Know.


Solving for Work, we get


W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge


From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.


What THIS MEANS is:


The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.



Hope you all will enjoy this..

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

I got this off of another list/forum I belong to (the members of the other forum are mostly pagan, but we all need this [heck, we all use computers...]) I hope I don't offend any of the Christian, Muslim or Jewish members by this joke. *opens up the virtual cattery and starts handing out peace offerings to the non-pagan members*

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine
__________________________________________________ ________________
Blank Ritual for the Great God Spammenot and the Goddess Delete*
*pronounced 'Del - ee - tay

Altar Setup -- Computer, keyboard, and mouse in center of altar, if
you wish
to put out candles and incense that is well and good, but it is
probably
better to forgo the salt and water for reasons that SHOULD be obvious.
Connect to your ISP and open your mailbox.

The Ritual

I. Cast your circle.

If you have a cordless mouse you may use this to cast, otherwise you
are
better off using your usual tools.

II. Invocations of the elements

East -- O creatures of Air, you who bring "me too" posts, thoughts and
ideas
of the world into my inbox, be with me this night as I honor the Divine
Couple Spammenot & Delete.

South -- O creatures of Fire, you who bring the love letters, promises
of
organ enlargement, and flames of the e-list to my inbox, be with me
this
night as I honor the Divine Couple Spammenot & Delete.

West -- O creatures of Water, you who bring guilt-trips, chain
letters, and
outpourings of joy to my inbox, be with me this night as I honor the
Divine
Couple Spammenot & Delete.

North -- O creatures of Earth, you who bring technical support posts,
product updates, and the minions of spam to my inbox, be with me
tonight as
I honor the Divine Couple Spammenot & Delete.

III. Invoking the God and Goddess.

Great God Spammenot
Protector of the inbox
Filterer of pyramid schemes and sex sites
Guardian against pharmaceutical companies
Soldier against the forces of bulk email marketing
Be with me this night as I read my mail
Let not the evil forces of greed and corruption make it past your
filters
I invoke your name
Spammenot, Spammenot, Spammenot (hit the report spam key repeatedly)

Great Goddess Delete
The last barrier between unwanted mail and me
Render of me too posts
Shredder of the dreaded chain email letters
Destroyer of all I do not wish to bring into my life
Be with me this night as I read my mail
Take ye all of the posts which have escaped your consort's power
I invoke your name
Delete, Delete, Delete (continue hitting delete button until you feel
the
goddess' power.)

IV. Cakes and Mail

Read your email in peace and joy. And delete the cookies in your
temporary
files for good measure.

V. Thank the God and Goddess

Great Goddess Delete
I thank you for your awesome power
Gone are the days when I waded endlessly through mails.
Praised be your name. Go now in peace until I read again. Hail and
Farewell.

Great God Spammenot
You grow in power daily
Deliver me always from the dark forces of Spam
I give you honor and reverence. Stay with me always until I read
again. I
bid thee thanks.

VI. Dismissal of the Quarters

North -- O creatures of the Earth, I thank you for your presence this
night.
Go if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the information
from
technical support. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

West -- O creatures of Water, I thank you for your presence this
night. Go
if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the joyful news I have
received. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

South -- O creatures of Fire, I thank you for your presence this
night. Go
if you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the love letters. I
bid you
Hail and farewell.

East -- O creatures of Air, I thank you for your presence this night.
Go if
you must, stay if you will, but leave with me the information and
ideas of
others. I bid you Hail and Farewell.

VII. Open the Circle

The circle is opened and never broken. So mote it be!

__________________________________________________ ________________

[alexa]

Originally Posted by aquaris

W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

I understand now, why I hated so much maths at school !

Originally Posted by Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

The circle is opened and never broken. So mote it be!

SUPER ! My computer is presently protected by the spell !

Oh, one more thing Great Spammenot. Please forget the part about the pharmaceutical companies, as I still need them to pay my bills.

[aquaris]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving
their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white
sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In
medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it
in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention."

[aquaris]

Why men lie ??

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, God appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. Then God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

God went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter replied," Yes."

God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, God again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"

"Oh God, my wife has fallen into the water!"
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

God was furious.
"You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied,

"Oh, forgive me God. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But God, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so *that's* why I said 'yes'

[aquaris]

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital

waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:

"Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy,

"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".



Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:

"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy.

"I am working for 3M Corporation".



A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:

"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence".

"I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".



Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".

He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"