Ministry of Happiness, Jokes Departement

[aquaris]

This is true one......and actually happened....


One of my colleage is working is some semi-government department....

His Boss..... who it seems was made a Boss for some other consideration

asked the manager to arrange for a cloth.... so that he could...wrap his

PC in it..

when the manager asked why would he like to wrap his PC in a cloth...

the Boss said... " don't you know about the these viruses.... I want to protect my

PC from them ....don't you know there are every where......"


Now that is some reply......


Hope you will enjoy this....

[alexa]

This one beats up my blondie one !

Thanks Aquaris and welcome to CR !

[aquaris]

Thanks alexa .....


here is another One....


A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that
if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[alexa]

Oh, these kids are wonderful ! I wonder why should we grow up one day !

[alexa]

Brian,

This one is a special for you ! I hope you'll like it !

The next time you are complaining about something take a moment to realize just how much easier life is now compared to how it used to be. Here are some historical facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell again so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."



Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm so all the dogs and cats and other small creatures (mice, bugs) lived in theroof.When it rained the straw became slipperyand sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to keep things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "Dirt Poor".

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when they opened the door the straw would start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed across the entranceway. Hence the term "Thresh Hold".

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle which was always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat that stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and start over again the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it which had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show it off. It was a sign of wealth if a man could "bring home the bacon." Then they would cut off a little to share with the guests and all would sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leech into the food causing lead poisoning and even death. This happened most often with tomatoes so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top or "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock fellows out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days andthe family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of "holding a wake".

England was old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string to the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (The Graveyard Shift) to listen for the bell: thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or be considered a "dead ringer".

And that's the truth! Whoever said that history was boring??

[aquaris]

Hmmmmmm....
very interesting......and informative... thanks....

Ok here is another one.... a cute one...

Kids you know...!

Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."
Kid Love


What Is Love ......... BY KIDS -
despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

[alexa]

I like that : "You can break love, but it won't die."

[aquaris]

With Opologies for any one Polish

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him " very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity, stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is.....yes."
LAWYER: No......, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

This was originally posted here, but I thought a few of you might enjoy: http://www.teemings.com/extras/truelife/scylla6.html



The Horror of Blimps

by Scylla

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will. Some blimps are better off dead.

************************************************** *********

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[alexa]

Originally Posted by aquaris

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

I e-mailed the joke to a Polish friend (and a Canadian and a collegue). He likes it.

Usually he's the one who makes me laugh. When I want to tease him, I tell him he should be a comedian and not an inspector into a pharmaceutical company.

[alexa]

Work Smarter, Not Harder

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"
"No, thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. Rest in the shade."
Again the young man protested. "Oh, no, sir. My father would be real mad!"
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him; I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
The young farmer replied, "He's right there under that pile of hay!"

[aquaris]

Attending a wedding for the first time...a girl whispered to her mother " why is the bride dressed in white .?"
" because white is the color of happiness and its the happiest day of her life " replied the mother...

Little girl then a long hard look at the groom....and asked

" So why is the groom wearing black ...? "

[alexa]

Because his last happiest day was the day before.

[aquaris]

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........




Ha ha ha ha ha.... Well said.... alexa....

[alexa]

Dear Diary,

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole 'Venus and Mars' thing. I've also never figured out why men think with their head while women think with their heart. And I've yet to figure out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me".

I said: "WHAT??????"



So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking: "What was her first clue?". I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say ok. And then we go to the jewellery dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you........ she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was ok.

She was so excited by all of this when she finally said: "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out: "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face......it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.