Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

AletheiaRivers · 05-18-2006, 06:30 PM

(If there is a joke thread on the board, I apologize, as I couldn't find it.)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Tao_Equus · 05-18-2006, 06:42 PM

A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting having a chat.

The bear said " when I growl the animals of the woods run and hide"

Then the lion says " when I roar the animals of the jungle quiver with fear"

Then the chicken says " I just cough and the whole world shits itself"

Jack Halyard · 07-21-2006, 07:51 PM

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the

wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging her gin as he

sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right

after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

Quahom1 · 07-21-2006, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AletheiaRivers

(If there is a joke thread on the board, I apologize, as I couldn't find it.)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Oh, I can't wait to use that on my wife...LOL

Quahom1 · 07-21-2006, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack Halyard

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the

wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging her gin as he

sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right

after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober

since."

"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

How is your better half doing?

v/r

Q

InLove · 07-23-2006, 09:53 PM

Hi Q

(She's fine--trying to stay out of the hospital and living in my husband's recliner

) (Just thought I'd go ahead and answer, since there is no telling how long it will take J.H. to log in again. And maybe I'd better ask him what he meant by that last laugh?

)

InPeace,
InLove

Quahom1 · 07-23-2006, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InLove

Hi Q

(She's fine--trying to stay out of the hospital and living in my husband's recliner

) (Just thought I'd go ahead and answer, since there is no telling how long it will take J.H. to log in again. And maybe I'd better ask him what he meant by that last laugh?

)

InPeace,
InLove

You know my mom is in the same boat...

men joke as a way of letting off stress, and those who know understand.

My dad jokes along similar lines...so do I.

v/r

Q

InLove · 07-24-2006, 12:30 AM

Oh, I wasn't worried--just being silly (and women joke, too

).

I have been keeping your mom in my prayers--from what you have told me about her, she sounds like an amazing woman. I hope she is feeling okay.

And I wish I could think of a good joke to post!

InPeace,
InLove

flowperson · 07-24-2006, 01:15 AM

Did anyone hear the one about the blonde that picked up a frozen orange juice can in the supermarket and stared at it for thirty minutes because it said "concentrate" on it ?

flow....

YO-ELEVEN-11 · 07-24-2006, 01:11 PM

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!!!!!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef!!!!

Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

I, Brian · 08-06-2006, 01:14 PM

I've just made up a very poor one:

A Londoner died and was reincarnated as a curry. Why?

Bad Korma.

Quahom1 · 08-06-2006, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by I, Brian

I've just made up a very poor one:

A Londoner died and was reincarnated as a curry. Why?

Bad Korma.

I actually got that! (I think CR is rubbing off on me).

Abogado del Diablo · 08-06-2006, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YO-ELEVEN-11

Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

YO-ELEVEN-11:

If you don't mind my asking, where did you learn that particular phrase (the bolded one)?

dauer · 08-06-2006, 11:54 PM

Four Jews are sitting in a small cafe talking.

"Oy." Says the first.

"Gevalt." Says the second.

"Nu..." Says the third.

Finally the fourth speaks up. "Listen, if you three don't stop talking politics I'm leaving!"

Quahom1 · 08-08-2006, 12:36 AM

Ain't it the truth...

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush
> takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on
> the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the
> sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto)
> blows off his head and out into the water.
>
> Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President
> Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of
> this. Don't worry."
>
> Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water
> and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over,
> picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs
> aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
>
> The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times,
> Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston
> Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee
> Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post,
> Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco
> Chronicle all proclaim:
>
> "Bush Can't Swim!"

05-18-2006, 06:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
AletheiaRivers General Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 176	Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... (If there is a joke thread on the board, I apologize, as I couldn't find it.) A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

05-18-2006, 06:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
Tao_Equus Lest we forget Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Edinburgh, scotland Posts: 2,934	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting having a chat. The bear said " when I growl the animals of the woods run and hide" Then the lion says " when I roar the animals of the jungle quiver with fear" Then the chicken says " I just cough and the whole world shits itself"

07-21-2006, 07:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
Jack Halyard Hermano Pequeño Join Date: May 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 182	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging her gin as he sits alone at a nearby table, until the husband asks, "Do you know him?" "Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

07-23-2006, 09:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
InLove at peace Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 3,267	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... Hi Q (She's fine--trying to stay out of the hospital and living in my husband's recliner) (Just thought I'd go ahead and answer, since there is no telling how long it will take J.H. to log in again. And maybe I'd better ask him what he meant by that last laugh? ) InPeace, InLove

07-24-2006, 12:30 AM	#8 (permalink)
InLove at peace Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 3,267	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... Oh, I wasn't worried--just being silly (and women joke, too ). I have been keeping your mom in my prayers--from what you have told me about her, she sounds like an amazing woman. I hope she is feeling okay. And I wish I could think of a good joke to post! InPeace, InLove

07-24-2006, 01:15 AM	#9 (permalink)
flowperson Oannes Join Date: May 2006 Location: SW United States Posts: 2,613	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... Did anyone hear the one about the blonde that picked up a frozen orange juice can in the supermarket and stared at it for thirty minutes because it said "concentrate" on it ? flow....

07-24-2006, 01:11 PM	#10 (permalink)
YO-ELEVEN-11 Watcher Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Earth Posts: 454	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!!!! Maybe I should just keep my J-O-B ( Just Over Broke) and forget about the career in comedy thing.

08-06-2006, 01:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
I, Brian Soul Rebel Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: The Highlands of Scotland Posts: 4,604	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... I've just made up a very poor one: A Londoner died and was reincarnated as a curry. Why? Bad Korma.

08-06-2006, 11:54 PM	#14 (permalink)
dauer Super Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Near Boston Posts: 1,924	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... Four Jews are sitting in a small cafe talking. "Oy." Says the first. "Gevalt." Says the second. "Nu..." Says the third. Finally the fourth speaks up. "Listen, if you three don't stop talking politics I'm leaving!"

08-08-2006, 12:36 AM	#15 (permalink)
Quahom1 moderator inaslittleas... Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Maryland Posts: 7,451	Re: Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ... Ain't it the truth... The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush > takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, cruising on > the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the > sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) > blows off his head and out into the water. > > Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President > Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of > this. Don't worry." > > Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water > and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, > picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs > aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. > > The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, > Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston > Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee > Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, > Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times, and San Francisco > Chronicle all proclaim: > > *"Bush Can't Swim!"*

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