Jokes, jokes, and more jokes ...

[wil]

Subject: Why Men Are Happy
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never
be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can
wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more
pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and
neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides
your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can
"do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Jack Halyard]

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their

lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit

him every day.



"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our

lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many

years.

Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know

you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's

baseball in Heaven."



Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my

best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do

for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.



It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he

is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out

to him, "Moe... Moe..."



"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"



"Moe, it's me, Sam."



"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."



"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"



"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"



"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really

good news and a little bad news."



"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.



"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven.

Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.

Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring

time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play

baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"



"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest

dreams!

But, what's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday."

[wil]

Conversations regarding the Muslim toilets and the size limits of Kingdom Halls somehow caused me to remember this joke I heard told by an Australian motivational speaker once....and in the process of looking for it...I found another tidbit of info I hadn't heard before...

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.




Dear Madame, I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.
It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.
The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.
My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.
If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
[the schoolmaster]

-----------------

This is the joke that caused the old "Tonight Show" host Jack Paar to resign. He read it on his show and the producers cut it out. He objected to the "censorship", made a speech at the beginning of his show as it aired that night and walked off. Hugh Downs was his sidekick. The applause lasted for many minutes but Paar was gone for good.

We'll, not quite. It turns out that Jack was "off the air" for only a month.

[InLove]

wil, how funny!

Acoustically, the place is excellent.

I remember my old high school choir days--the poor teacher, I think, had trouble relating to the times and the kids in general. He struck me as a fairly frustated man with bigger dreams. Anyway, he was often absent from the classroom, probably off trying to find something more important to his way of thinking, so things were rather wild there. There were four of us girls who took off for the "water closet" almost every day, where the acoustics were indeed very nice, and we had quite a little quartet going (come on, now--with our voices, okay?) One day, he burst in, thinking he would catch us smoking pot or something. Just so happens, that particular day, we were singing Neil Young's "Heart of Gold". He was so surprised and pleased that he featured us in the Spring Program!

Oh yeah--and when I used to play around with my children's toy tape recorder, I took it into the bathroom and sat on the floor to sing because, like you said...the acoustics....

Oh, well--back to the jokes....

InPeace,
InLove

[flowperson]

Back in Frat days at university, the brothers would sit on the wc seats and each would hum tones until the resonant harmonics of their stalls would kick in. Some crazy harmonics, especially on a Friday night/ Saturday morning.

flow....

[Jack Halyard]

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days.
You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that he got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.


Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[wil]

Father lines up his three sons. "One of you pushed outhouse over two nights ago. Which of you did it?"



"Not me" "not me!" "Not me!!!"


"Come on, I promise not to punish you. Who did it?"


"Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!"


"Let me tell you story of great American hero, George Washington. When he was a boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. His father came to him and asked, 'George, did you chop down that cherry tree?' 'I cannot tell a lie, father, I chopped down the cherry tree,' said little George. 'You should not have done that, but since you told the truth, I will not punish you.' And George Washington grew up to be President of the United States!"


"Now I ask you. Who pushed outhouse over?"


"Not me!" "Not me!" "I cannot tell a lie, father, I pushed the outhouse over."


"!@#$%!!!" (The father wups up on the son who pushed the outhouse over.)


"~sniffle~ Why did you punish me? ~sniffle~ When George Washington told the truth, ~sniffle~ his father did not punish him!~sniffle~ "


"George Washington's father wasn't IN the tree when George Washington chopped it down!"

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

A few items I saw on the "Bad RPrs Suck" forum on Live Journal:

"You know you're a bad RPer...when your comrades give your character to the enemy. (I can't read the name I wrote down, so I can't properly attribute it)

"It's just a matter of using the right type of fire. Incubi, for instance, are best handled with suppressive fire. For greater demons there's indirect fire, and for the really annoying ones there's artillery fire." (beardedtroll)

"Get a piece of wood, about three feet in length and two to four inches in width. Drive a couple of nails through it at one end. Wave said piece of wood frentically in the direction of your RP partner while shouting, "By Jove! Write legible English or I will experimentally verify the the adult human body contains roughly five litres of blood." (beardedtroll)

"And the kicker, and I *knew* you were a girl. He's walking along a dusty road during an Indonesian summer. He's wearing...skin-tight lycra hotpants. What? First of all, we're setting this in the 1920s, which seems a little odd, and second... Skin-tight lycra hotpants. In an Indonesian summer. The bravest man in the worls would pale with terror at the thought." (xidiomaticlogic)

"You're assuming that G!d gave them a mind. He might just have given them a Whack-A-Mole game." (channonyarrow)

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[InLove]

[wil]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks at him, and asks a question...

Wife: "What would you do if I suddenly died? Would you get married
again?"
Husband: "Definitely not."
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay. Okay. I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would!?" (with a hurt look)
Husband: (Makes audible groan)
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure. It's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably. It's almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
Husband: "No. I'm sure she'd want h er own ."
Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
Husband: "Yes, those are always good times."
Wife: "Would she use my clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: (Silence)
Husband: "****."

[17th Angel]

Originally Posted by wil

Husband: "Yes, those are always good times."
Wife: "Would she use my clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Wife: (Silence)
Husband: "****."

lolz... pwn3d.

Originally Posted by InLove

Sweet lol...

[Tao_Equus]

This guy, George, is sightseeing in New York and goes up to the top of the Empire State Building. There he see's these 2 guys at the edge, and as he walks toward them one of them takes a leap and jumps off. George is mortified and runs over to the remaining guy shouting why did'nt you stop him!! The guy looks calmly at George without speaking and suddenly the guy who jumped sails back up over the edge of the building and lands exactly where he had started.
George's jaw drops open and he half stutters, 'how the hell did you do that'? The guy says 'its easy, flying is a synch, its all in the mind. Just dont think about hitting the bottom and flap your arms like a bird and you come straight back up whenever you want'
George says 'no way.... you'r pulling my leg'
The guy says...'watch then' And again he jumps off. george watches as he sails down several 100 feet and see's him flap his arms and come sailing back up.
'Wow' says George 'thats incredible!! can anyone do that... I have always dreamt I could fly?'
The guy says 'Yes....just dont think about hitting the bottom, and flap when you want to come back up and you can do it too'.
George looks at the guy, and see's a kindly man whom he can trust and thinks to himself... well I seen him do it.
'Ok then' says George, 'I'm gona do it!!'
'Just remember dont think about the bottom' says the jumper.
And off George jumps.
He sails down 200ft thinking this the greatest experience of his life but then doubt begins to creep in and he flaps his arms. Nothing happens, he keeps hurtling toward the street below.
He flaps agian and again, still nothing happens and the ground comes rushing toward him....SPLAT
The guy who had not spoken turns toward the jumper and says...
'Gabrial...for an angel your one helluva b*****d'.

[wil]

Originally Posted by Tao_Equus

AT
The guy who had not spoken turns toward the jumper and says...
'Gabrial...for an angel your one helluva b*****d'.

2 funny, I always heard this with the flyer talking about updraft and the updraft just pushing you back onto the ledge...and the protaganist was always Superman. Odds are the original version was with Gabriel...or some early flying G-d and the tower of Babel or something...told around campfires couple thousand years ago...along with camel jokes...

[Tao_Equus]

Originally Posted by wil

2 funny, I always heard this with the flyer talking about updraft and the updraft just pushing you back onto the ledge...and the protaganist was always Superman. Odds are the original version was with Gabriel...or some early flying G-d and the tower of Babel or something...told around campfires couple thousand years ago...along with camel jokes...

Lol probabably right there Wil. I think its the 2nd oldest joke in my head, heard it when I was about 8.
Here is the oldest one:

There is this English traveling salesman and he stops over at this guest house for the night. He climbs into bed and is just starting to drift off to sleep when he hears this weird noise. It goes Pitterpatter ffffffffff ffffffffff pitterpatter fffffffffff ffffffffff.
The Englishman get up and puts the light on, looks around but can see no cause for the noise. So he gets back into bed. Again just as he is about to drop off to sleep it starts again... pitterpatter ffffffffff fffffffffffffff pitterpatter ffffffffff ffffffffffffff
The Englishman convinced the room is haunted goes and sleeps in his car.

Repeat the same for a Scotsman.

The 3rd night and Irishman takes the room and surely just as he drifts off he hears this noise pitterpatter fffffffff fffffffff pitterpatter fffffffff fffffffff
The Irishman switches on the light and spot a little mouse running along the radiator pipe, pitterpatter, blowing his paws to cool them ever few steps, fffffffff fffffff

(of course this joke better if told with sound effects.)

TE

[wil]

speakin of old jokes

wil posts




Where do the Polish keep their armies?

In their sleevies.



Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud.



A blond walks into a bar,

and says "ouch".