humour posts

[foundationist]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.

Love Bubba

At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Bubba.

[foundationist]

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF A WOMAN DRINKS ....

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda, Gin and tonic.
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Water.
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask).
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

Cape Velvet.
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF A MAN DRINKs ....
(As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate to get laid.

Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
He's gay (blatantly) -.

[foundationist]

Real computer tech support transcripts (allegedly...)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer:
"No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of
the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type
'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

--

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing and
I'm not going to read any friggin book."

--

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:
"Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:
"Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC
manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word
setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer
"No..."

--

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"

--

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC." Tech Support: "What
exactly is the problem?" Customer: "I can't open the box." Tech Support:
"Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

--

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file
name'." Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive - go to A:/
and type 'dir'." Customer: reads off a list of file names, including
'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type
'INSTALL' again." Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file
name'." Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it
can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the Enter key?" Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope,
still 'Bad command or file name'." Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are
you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key... does that matter?"

--

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset
barcode or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get
on the network." Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can
open an outage." Customer: "What is that?" Tech Support: "That little
barcode on the front of your computer." Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar,
big bar, big bar ..."

--

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now
my A: drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A: drive won't work?" Customer:
"That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now
it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind
of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message.
The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers
and tried to get it out. That didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did
what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers and tried to get the disk out, but
it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech
Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer:
"No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster
and put the butter in the drive, around the disk and that got it loose. Then
I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a
disk that was broken and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear.
You put melted butter in your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other
techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this,
can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A:
drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?" Silence. Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir,
did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to
fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?" Tech
Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because
you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent
you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's
manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour
butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're
supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we
can do for you. Have a nice day."

[maya]

There are 10 kinds of people....those who understand binary and those who do not.

[foundationist.org]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Once again, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!

We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Mother Mary, help us!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[foundationist.org]

Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil" club, Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right! They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the original Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the old evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay'", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[mac1]

A Rabi and an Archbishop live next door to one another and chat over the garden fence.

Rabi Good Morning Father

Archbishop Good Morning. How are you today?

Rabi Very well, I had a question for you actually, if you don't mind? Its about your son.

Archbishop Sure fire away.

Rabi Well it seems to me that progressing through your religion is a lot easier than mine. You know if your boy keeps up his devotion one day he could be more than just the priest he is today.

Archbishop Of course! As long as he studies hard, I am relying on it actually.

Rabi Yeah one day he could be a deacon or a canon.

Archbishop Well yes, if he studies its entirely possible, yes.

Rabi He could even become a Bishop.

Archbishop Its unlikely but yeah.

Rabi In fact one day he might be Archbishop himself.

Archbishop Thats a lifelong devotion, you don't get where I am easily.

Rabi Perhaps not. In fact, whats to say one day he won't be the pope. That would make you proud I'm sure.

Archbishop Now your getting delusions of grandure. My son will never be pope.

Rabi Why not?

Archbishop For a start the chances are astronomical. Its not going to happen.

Rabi Why not? Anythings possible. I would put money on it in. In fact I think if your son really knuckles down and works hard, one day he might actually become the son of God.

Archbishop Now wait a minute, a deacon yes, a bishop perhaps, but the son of God himself.

Rabi Why not? After all one of our lads made it!

[mac1]

Amusing quotes

[juantoo3]

It was a really cold day, and a little bird fell out of its nest. There it was on the ground, cold and lonely and scared, so it began chirping and chirping.

A cow heard the chirping, and came over to see what all the noise was about. The cow saw the little bird on the ground, shivering from the cold, so she turned around and pooped on the little bird.

Well, now the little bird was warm, so she poked her little head up out of the cowpie and began to sing! She was singing and singing...

A fox heard the singing, and came over to see what the noise was about. The fox saw the little bird singing in the cowpie, and picked her out, and ate her.

The moral of the story?
Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
And most important of all, when you're up to your neck in sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

[juantoo3]

The First Rule of Holes:
When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

[I, Brian]

Good ones.

[LittleLotus]

ATHEIST FOUNDATION OF AUSTRALIA INCCHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERSThese are actual clippings from church newspapers. Amazing what a little proof-reading would've prevented!

<font color=" #000000? size="4" face="Times New Roman">Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at the Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any members of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm ... prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

</FONT>

[Susma Rio Sep]

The father in the mission goes to this peasant village faithfully every Holy Week to minister to the villagers' spiritual needs.

On this occasion he was delivering a sermon to the simple people on the words of Jesus from the cross: "Woman, behold thy son..."

"Woman, behod thy son..." he started the sermon with the passage.

A woman in the congregation with a baby in her arms held up the baby and went in front of the priest, saying: "Father, this is your son."

Susma Rio Sep

[Pathless]

"And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!"

--Homer Simpson

[Pathless]

"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called [makes quotation marks with fingers] 'wicked guy.' He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?"

--Homer Simpson