humour posts

[Pathless]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if the want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over the caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify repeatedly that your drive-thru order is "To Go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, e.g. "Rock Hard."
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won!! I won!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the state of the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[I, Brian]

Ah...the wisdom of Homer.

[Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine]

I have three (rather clean) jokes from a pagan humor site (that has a few not-so-clean) jokes. They are:

1. A Pope and a Rabbi Debate (http://www.turoks.net/cabana/PopeandRabbiDebate.asp)

2. The KKK and Asatru (http://www.turoks.net/cabana/AsatruKKK.htm)

3. We Are the Other People (http://www.turoks.net/cabana/OtherPeople.asp)

My apologies ahead of time to those who might be offended by these jokes.

Phyllis Sidhe_Uaine

[Susma Rio Sep]

Sister Gertrude was preparing a first Communion class, and told the children to draw any scene from the Gospel they happened to remember well.

She approached Johnny and saw him with a drawing of a couple with a child accompanied by a man in an airplane.

"What are you drawing, Johnny?" asked the sister.

"The Holy Family's flight to Egypt," Johnny answered.

"But why an airplane and who is the man with Jesus, Mary, and Joseph?" the sister continued asking further.

"It's a flight, isn't it; and the man with them is Pontius the Pilot," replied Johnny.


Susma Rio Sep

[Pathless]

"I've seen a million faces/ and I've rocked them all."

--Bon Jovi

[Susma Rio Sep]

The Baptist missionary from California was evangelizing backward peasants in a rural district of Central America.


"God is our Father, Jesus saved us from sin; we are now all brothers in Jesus. You and I, we are all brothers."

One of the men in the audience, more outspoken than thre rest, asked the missionary:

"You are our brother? We are all brothers?"

"Yes, I am your brother, we are all brothers under God the Father, in Jesus Christ His son our Savior."

The outspoken peasant then called out to the missionary:

You are my brother, give me dollars!


Susma Rio Sep

[Pathless]

This afternoon I went to the local park to meditate. I walked along the river a bit to find the right spot that I thought would be fairly secluded. There were a few people hanging around here and there, so I kept walking until I got to a place that I'd passed through a few times and thought was pretty unfrequented. I sat down on a high bank in front of the river, not really noticing or caring that there was a road about twenty feet away.
The ground was kind of damp, but it was okay. After about ten minutes I was settlling in and concentrating my mind. Every so often I would hear cars or trucks go by. As one of these trucks passed, a good ol' boy must have seen me sitting there just doing nothing. A drawling voice passed by with the car, "Catch anything yet?"

[Pathless]

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

--Douglas Adams

[Pathless]

A man was visiting a mental hospital and was eating breakfast among the patients there. As he was eating, his eye was caught by the unusual behavior one particular fellow who peeled a banana, put sugar on it, then threw it over his shoulder. The man continued to watch as this fellow reached for another banana, peeled it, put sugar on it, and again threw it over his shoulder. The man shook his head and tried to go back to eating his own meal, but his attention was once again caught by the strange behavior of the patient--again, peeling the banana, sugaring the banana, throwing the banana over the shoulder. Finally, the man visiting was compelled to get up and approach the patient. "Excuse me," he said, "But I can't help but notice that you've repeatedly been peeling bananas, putting sugar on them, and then throwing them over your shoulder." He pointed to the small pile of bananas behind the banana-thrower. "May I ask why you're doing this?" he asked the banana-thrower.
The banana-thrower replied, "I don't like bananas with sugar."

[Pathless]

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."

--Steven Wright

[Pathless]

"Mrs. Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder."

--Ralph Wiggam (from The Simpsons)

[Susma Rio Sep]

The preacher was talking on and on about spiritual detachment.

Then everyone heard the wailing sirens of fire trucks in the streets outside.

"Be not alarmed, be not dismayed; let those who possess homes act as though they own nothing. We have no lasting city in this world", the preacher exhorted the congregation which was evidently worried.

At this moment, his son rushed in from outside and went to the pulpit, whispering something in his ear.

"Praise the Lord, my son just told me to go help my wife, our house is burning down. I have to leave now; it's God's will, please contribute generously for our new home. And we will have special collections for the following Sundays", he disclosed to the audience.

As he reached the door, another child rushed to him, saying: "Dad, it's not our house burning down, but the neighbor's, and the fire has been put out."

So the preacher returned to the pulpit, this time addressing his congreation thus:

"God's will be done, now we can have that long overdue remodelling and enlargement of our home; please do not forget to give generously, and we will continue with the special collections the coming Sundays."


Susma Rio Sep

PS: All's well that ends well, withal spiritual detachment.

[sjr]

I wish I was the kind of person, my dog thinks I am.

[Silent Wind River]

When considering getting married, I ask myself: Is this REALLY the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

[Susma Rio Sep]

The old Rotarian was a Catholic way back in childhood. In a funeral Mass of an old confrere, an altar boy was being sought to serve the priest celebrant. So they pushed the guy forward.

"Padre, just tell me when to serve the drinks, OK?" He reminded the father.

"Later, later, after Mass.... Oh, you mean the wine and water?" the priest replied to him with an inquiring eye.[/i]

Susma Rio Sep